Alone
by CastlesInTheAir
Summary: Bad Wolf... What was inside the Doctor's mind during those few terrible moments?


Just what was the Doctor thinking in that awful moment when he thought Rose was nothing but a pile of dust?

Yes, it's been done before, and yes, I felt like doing it. I don't know, it's not much. But it helps to keep my creative juices flowing.

I would very much appreciate reviews, if you would be so kind.  
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Alone

How am I going to tell your mother?

It's stupid. All the things I should be thinking and feeling, somehow lost… there's hands, pulling me away but I don't want to go. I can feel my hearts beating. One. Two. Jack screams. It hurts to hear him sound so pained. I know they've got him too. One. Two. They're all yelling and shouting. They seem so close, but they're billions of light-years away. One, two. One, two.

And there's only me. Because there's no you.

There should be light, but there's only darkness. There should be something, anything, but there's nothing. Something's happening, I know, but I don't care. Is this what it's like to stop? To sit still, and let things run their course?

I'd never imagined such emptiness.

You were beautiful, did you know that? You were lovely. You were perfect. You stuck your tongue between your teeth every time you were about to laugh at me. You batted your eyelashes every time you wanted to get your way. You always left your shoes in the corridor, your jacket on the railing by the door, even though I told you not to… you did it anyway. You didn't care. I loved it.

You were nineteen, Rose Tyler. That's too short a time, for anyone.

I don't care if they've got there hands on me. Let them bail me up, let the knock me out, let them lock me up. It doesn't matter. I don't care if they throw me into the vacuum of space. I don't care if they hurl me into the sun… it doesn't matter. You were nineteen, Rose Tyler, and you're dead. You ran out, and I can't remember if I told you not to. You leapt towards me, I was so close… I swear, you were almost in my arms, and I was going to save you. I was going to rush in and reach you, in the nick of time, just like I always do. I was going to get you out of that game, then together, we would save the world… and everyone would live.

Everyone. Everyone but you. You took that disintegration beam for me. The last of the timelords, who couldn't save a girl from a game.

Why?

Jack screams your name. He threatens everyone, everything… and I know it's just his way. It's his way of letting it all out, of trying to keep you here just a moment longer. He cares about you, he really does. He means what he says. I didn't really mean it, when I said you were just a stupid ape. You can pick some good ones, too. He's not half bad.

I couldn't promise to protect you. Do you know how much that hurt? I wanted to, I wanted to be able to give my word. And this is why. I wanted to tell you I could save you from anything. But I couldn't, and I'm so sorry Rose… I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't save your Dad. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

What use are emotions if you can't save the woman you love?

What use? I couldn't save you. And it was right… a machine was right. He saw me in a second. You don't know how it felt to know you were alive, because I never told you. I never told you lots of things, and I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you that I like it when you leave your clothes lying around. I like it when you wheedle away at my nerves. I only do it to get you worked up, you know. I like it when you stick your tongue between your teeth, when you grin at me like I've just said the most fantastic thing in the world. I like when you laugh, when you fall over backwards as we land, when you don't know which button on the console does what, when you're just so, hopelessly _you._

I liked not having to be alone. Because you know what the worst part about being alone is? That you never know when you're going to wake up. It's emptiness, only never ending. Loneliness consumes you. It eats away at your insides, it controls all your thoughts and it never leaves you. It never lets you go.

When I was with you, Rose Tyler, I wasn't alone. You don't know how much that means.

I'm glad you're not here to know this feeling. But for a moment, in the time and space of nine hundred long years, after all I've seen and done… all I want to do is nothing. I want to know nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing… I _want_ to be empty. Let the world descend into chaos, let it die.

Because you know what? You're not here, and you never will be. I never knew something that could hurt so much.

And the only thing I can seem to think, the only thing that drives into the emptiness… how am I going to tell your mother?


End file.
